The break up

Single, Hurt And Pregnant

This Is An Article About My Break-Up And My Break-Up Only. It Is Not About My Relationship Per Se, Neither About My Healing Process Afterwards Or My Pregnancy. With So Much Happening, So Much To Feel, Think About, Understand And Analyse - I Decided To Write A Few Articles On All The Different Themes Present In My Life At Current.

It’s Been Two Years Since I Last Wrote One Of My Intimate, Honest And Mind-Opening Articles. Two Years Since I Last Created A Podcast And Generally Used My Voice To Tell My Stories. Teach You What I Had Learned. In Fact, It Has Been Two Years Since I Felt The Energy Or Motivation Or Need To Create. Instead I Focussed More On Making Money And The Business Side Of Roxysdream Than Its Actual Core Foundation - Which Is Telling My Extra-Ordinary Truths With Unrelenting Honesty.

Each Time That I Tell You A Story Of My Life, It Has Somewhat Been Completed. I Have Gained Insights And Come To A Conclusion, How Else Could I Teach You Anything About The Experience. I Am Starting To Realise That It Took Me Two Whole, Dramatic And Exhausting Years To Gain The Insights You Will Learn About Now.

Leaving The Man I Was In A Relationship With, Very Attached To And Whom I Had Just Gotten Pregnant With Is An Extreme, Bold And Scary Move. It Is Nothing I Wish Any Woman To Ever Have To Do… It Has Destroyed The First Months Of My Pregnancy And It Has Destroyed Me. I Was In A Hell I Am Not Sure I Had Ever Been In Before. The Amount Of Anger And Hatred I Felt Was New To Me, As Well As The Feeling Of Deceit And Disappointment. But As You Can Imagine, There Is A Reason Why I Had To Make This Painful Decision.

It Took Two Years For Me To Fall In Love, Realise I Was In A Relationship With A Narcissist And Sexual Deviant And For Me To Find The Strength To Leave That Abusive Situation I Had Found Myself In, Well, I Had Put Myself In. Despite Millions Of Red Flags And His Deceptive Abusive Behaviour, I Stayed With Him, And That Is My Responsibility. I Could’ve Listened To My Friends, Mother And Therapist When They Told Me To Leave… But I Didn’t. What Is This Addiction That Makes Us Stay In A Toxic Relationship? Well In Psychological Terms It’s Called Trauma Bonding. More To That, Later.

Now I Am Talking About Red Flags So Big They Enter A World Of Violence, Abuse And Of Evil. I Don’t Know If You Have Heard Of The Dark Triad, The Three So Called Deviant Psychology Disorders - But Thats What I Was Dealing With. Narcissism, Psychopathy And Machiavellianism. Somehow That Is What I Attract In My Life And What Fascinates Me. I Am Sure You Have Read My Controversial Pedophilia Article…

My Therapist Thinks That I Try To Understand And Justify The Evil In This World, So It Doesn’t Feel As Painful Anymore. I Need To Make Sense Of It. I Do However End Up More Traumatised, More Cynical And More Pessimistic With Every Evil Encounter I Have. People Tell Me To Go “To The Light” And Focus On The Positive In This World… And For Some Reason, I Simply Can’t. Maybe I Carry That Evil Inside Myself, I Am Quite Sure I Do To A Small Degree. But In My Case, The Good Is So Much Greater That It Always, At Least In My Adult And Conscious Years, Wins. Or Maybe I Am Simply Trying To Heal My Childhood Trauma Of Emotional Abuse And Of Men Taking Advantage Of Me Later-On In Life.

When I Was A Child I Always Understood The Great Evil In This World And I Would Start Crying Every Time I Watched The News. I Broke Out Into Tears When I Was Simply Reminded That There Are People In This World That Hurt Others Or That Hurt Animals, Even Worse. I Was A Highly Sensitive Child That Couldn’t Deal With The Harshness Of The World. Later I Started Studying Why Humans Are This Way And In Some Way It Helped Me A Little Bit.

Now Being So Obsessed With The Topic, I Am Attracted To It As Well. And This Time I Got As Close To The Person Carrying The Evil Inside Of Him, As One Could Possibly Get. In A Closed, Committed Relationship, “In Love” (Later We Will Find Out What This Love Really Was) And Eventually Carrying His Child In My Womb. That Same Child Was In The End The Only Thing That Gave Me The Strength To Leave. When You Become A Mother, You Develop A Sense Of Protection That Overrules Any Attachment, Addiction And Childhood Trauma Dynamics. Well, At Least If You Have Healthy Motherly Instinct. I Will Speak More About My Pregnancy In My Next Article. This One Shall Be Focussed On The Break-Up.

I Never Spoken About The Dark Side Of My Relationship Before, Because Until The Very Last Moment I Had Hoped I Could Help And Heal The Man I Was With. I Hoped, Things Would Change For The Better. I Was Also Embarrassed To Admit What Had Happened To Me. I Was Chasing A Dream Of Him, A Dream Of Us… That Just Never Became Reality. Instead, Things Got Worse And Really Damn Worse They Got. But Let’s Start At The Beginning….

Two Years Ago, I Was Thriving. My Business Had Just Become Very Successful And I Was For The First Time Making A Lot Of Money. Let’s Just Remember For A Second That That Exact Business Started With A Sex Blog Five Years Ago. Me Telling You My Intimate Stories… And What I Had Learned From Them. And Here We Are Again….

In Fact, One Of The Motivations For Me To Start A Business And Become Rich, Was My Abortion Five Years Ago. If You Haven’t Read My Abortion Article, I Highly Recommend For You To Do That Now To Get A Better Understanding. The Abortion Was A Decision I Only Made Because Back Then, I Had No Money And No Career To Support A Child. After The Traumatic Experience Of Killing My Own Baby (You Know I Am Very Spiritual And I Believe In Karma And… I Understood There Was Something Wrong About Having This Abortion). I Told Myself, I Will Never Get Pregnant Again Without Having Any Money To Support My Child. I Also Told Myself, I Needed To Live More Intensely. I Felt Like There Were So Many Stories Left Unlived, Left Untold And I Wanted To Experience Them All. Experience Sex To Its Fullest Extent… Not Knowing That Those Exact Stories And Sexual Experiences Soon To Be Had, Would Turn Into A Multimillion Dollar Business Called Roxysdream. The Stories Lived Included Escorting, Domination, Drug Addiction, Getting Close To A Pedophile, Orgies And Gangbangs, And Finally Complete Abstinence And The Quest For Intimacy And Tantra.

After Having Lived And Analysed Them, I Finally Started Telling My Stories And The Dream Started Becoming True In 2021. I Was Absolutely Thriving And My Business Blossoming. I Enjoyed Making So Much Money, Went To Gucci And Prada Regularly Just Because I Could. Of Course I Realised Eventually How Ridiculous It Was To Buy Those Expensive Clothes. But I Felt Like Pretty Woman For A Moment In Time, Only I Was Using My Own Credit Card And Not That Of A Sugardaddy.

I Bought An Expensive Car, Oysters And Champagne Became My Bread And Water. It Was Also Lockdown Still And I Was Driving Around Europe In My Car Finding Places That Still Felt Free And Were Fun. After Spending 3 Months In Ibiza, I Ended Up Visiting An Old Lover Of Mine - A Man Who I Had Slept With 10 Years Ago In Thailand And Who Had Hurt Me Deeply Back Then.

While We Were Sleeping With Each Other (I Didn’t Realise He Was Sleeping With About 20 Other Girls At The Same Time) We Planned A Trip From Koh Phangan To Bangkok Together So He Could Help Me Bring My Dog Minnie Mouse To Europe For The First Time. When We Met At The Ferry To Start Our Journey, He Brought Another Girl Along, That He Would Make Out With During The Whole Journey In Front Of Me. I Was Crushed, My Ego Was Crushed. My Self-Worth And Confidence Flushed Down The Toilet. I Thought The Universe Must Be Punishing Me For Something. Why Would I Have To Endure This? Later I Found Out, This Was Something He Did To Dozens, Maybe Hundreds Of Girls. Making Them Believe They Are Special And Then Gathering Them Around Him Picking The Favourite And Making All The Others Feel Like “Second Choice”. For Some Reason None Of The Girls Ever Said Anything To Him. Neither Did I, I Was Only 23. I Wanted To Be Liked By Him, I Wanted To Be “Cool” And Ok With Everything. Not Realising That This Was Where His Manipulation Started… Tricking Girls To Believe They Are Friends And As He’s Incapable Of Commitment, He Also Has To Be With Other Girls. And All Of The Sudden He Has 10 Or 20 Friends Around Him That He Is Conveniently Having Sex With. Without Any Of Them Realising, The Disrespect He Has For Each Of Them. Or That He Is Using Everyone As His Sex Toy That He Gets Bored Of After Having Slept 2-3 Times. Neither Did Any Of Them Realise The STDs He Has Been Spreading Until It Was Too Late. He Knows About The Incurable STDs He Has And Never Told Any Girl Beforehand. And I Must Wonder, Whether He Enjoys Infecting Them. Because Simultaneously He Tells His Sob Story About Being Infertile To Them… So They Wouldn’t Have To Use A Condom. In The World We Live In Now - This Is A Form Of Sexual Coercion That Ends With Assault For Those Girls That Actually Got Infected. And I Know I Don’t Have To Explain These Things To My Audience, That Are Conscious And Aware - But I Have Had To Fight And Explain Myself For Two Years While Being Belittled And Called Crazy For My Moral Beliefs And Knowledge Of Law, For Trying To Make Him Understand What Sexual Abuse, Assault And Violence Are. Without Success As You Can Imagine…  

After The Painful Journey Of Taking Minnie To Germany For The First Time During Which I Was Made Felt Inadequate, Unworthy And Simply Uglier And Less Good Than The Girl He Took With Him, It Took Me A Year Until I Saw Him Again. He Invited Me To Work With Him At European Psytrance Festivals. But My Dream Of Us Traveling Together, He Finally Choosing Me And Us Having A Holiday Romance Was Again Shortly Shattered Into A Million Pieces Of Self-Doubts, Jealousy And Heart-Wrenching Pain That Would Take Me Years To Heal. I Arrived At His Parents House In Switzerland With My Old-Timer Fire Engine I Had Bought For The Festival Summer (Honestly, The Coolest Truck You Can Imagine). We Stayed Together A Few Days, We Had Sex - A Lot. I Thought It Was Amazing Sex But Years Later I Would Find Out, That It Was A Performance He Did Every Single Time He Had Sex. A Performance For His Ego. He Cooked Amazing Food For Me. He Gave Me That Typical Experience That Hundreds (Maybe You Can Even Add A 0) Of Girls Had Experienced In The Last 20 Years. He Cooks For You, Gives You His Full Attention, Fucks You Good. In That Order. Makes You Fall In Love, Until He Gets The Admiration He Seeks. Then He Gets Bored And Looks For The Next Victim.

We Went To Our First Festival Together, As We Arrived To Set Up His Shop, A Few Other Girls Arrived To Work With Him And It Didn’t Take Us Five Minutes To Figure Out, We Had All Slept With Him And Were Hoping To Be The One He’d Sleep With Again. But That Didn’t Happen Because On That Same Day ‘Fresh Meat’ Came Along. A New Girl Had Sparked His Interest And All The Other Girls Were Suddenly Just Friends, Including Me. He Didn’t Give Me A Second Of His Attention Anymore. I Was A Nobody, Not Even Worth A Second Look. The Other Girl Was Everything And After The Worst Five Days Of My Life, He Even Told Me I Didn’t Work Hard Enough. The New Girl Was Paid More While I Was Paid Nothing. Yes, You Read Correctly. I Will Never Forget The Moment He Said That To Me, Tears Filled My Eyes And I Shamefully Walked Away. This Was Not The First Time He Would Steal Money From Me… Even Recently After Our Break-Up He Has Still Tried To Get Money Out Of Me. From That Second On I Hated Him So Deeply, I Had Never Felt That Kind Of Hate Before (Well Until Now.) Not Even For The Man That Tried To Rape Me. Not Even For My Father Who Disowned Me. It Took Me Many Years To Recover From This Experience. To Build My Confidence Again. To Feel Beautiful And Worthy. And I Swore To Myself To Never See Him Again….

Guess What - Seven Years Later I Decided To Follow His Invitation And Go Visit Him. At That Point I Knew, I Wouldn’t Sleep With Him Again. I Also Told Him The First Night I Arrived, How Much He’d Hurt Me Back Then, Because By That Time I Had Turned Into A Woman With Clear Boundaries, That Says What She Thinks, That Calls People, Especially Men, Out On Their Bullshit. It Was Good - It Looked Like He Felt Remorse And He Was Truly Sorry. He Even Admired Me For This Boldness. As The Weeks Went By (I Didn’t Know Where Else To Go, It Was Still Lockdown) This Man Started To Soften. He Started To Fall In Love With Me And Little Gestures That He’d Normally Wouldn’t Do, Like Making Compliments Or Picking Me Flowers From The Garden, Seemed Bigger And Sweeter Than They Actually Were Because They Came From Him. In Retrospective I Am Not Sure He Fell In Love Or Whether He Saw Breeding-Material And A Cash Machine. It Was Only After I Had Paid Multiple Times For Food And Bought Him Bigger Investments Like An Ice-Cream Machine That He Seemed To Fall In Love. Coincidence? A Sexually Experienced Woman That Had Enough Money To Support A Child So That He Would Never Have To. Smart, Beautiful, What You Want For Your Child’s Genes….  Someone Not Only Financially Independent But Also Generous, So You Wouldn’t Even Really Have To Work Anymore. In Response To His Charm, Him Opening Up About Childhood Trauma (For Example That He Had A Problem With Sex And Women Because His Mother Cheated On His Father And He Resented Her For That) And His Little Actions Of Love, I Fell In Love. I Fell In Love With The Version Of Him Being In Love With Me. Admiring Me, Charming, Excited About Me. A Version That Didn’t Last As You Can Imagine…. I Don’t Even Know Whether It Was Love From My Side Either Or Whether I Saw A Man That Had The Same Issues As My Father And I Was Secretly Looking To Heal My Own Childhood Trauma With Him.

If I Am Being Honest I Don’t Know If It Was Love From Either Of Us… I Don’t Actually Know What Love Is Anymore.

The First Time We Had Sex Was After Six Weeks Of Living Together. I Didn’t Give Myself Away Easily Anymore At That Point (Not After All The Pain I Had Gone Through From Escorting The Years Prior) And I Told Myself, If I Let This Man Enter My Body He Will Become My Boyfriend. I Am Worthy Of Nothing Less. I Guess After He Gave Me The Feeling Of Being Worthless I Built Myself Up So Much To Feel Extremely Worthy. (Just Watch How He Destroyed That Worthiness Again In No Time!) As Every Woman Should, He Wouldn’t Get Any Of That Worthy Flesh And Incredible Soul If He Didn’t Commit. So He Did And That Was The Beginning Of Our Relationship….

That Was The Beginning Of Many Happy Moments Filled With Love And Fun And Simultaneously A Journey Of Destruction. Destruction Of My Trust, Destruction Of My Self-Worth. The Self-Worth I Had Meticulously Built Over The Years.

Before We Entered A Relationship, While I Was Staying At His House As A Friend, I Saw Him Get Very Aggressive. At Other People, At Things Or Himself. That Aggression Wasn’t Normal Anger, It Was Rage. Rage Is Nothing A Healthy Person Feels. Rage Is An Un-Proportional And Uncontrollable Anger. It Is Something My Father Did, When I Made A Mistake Or Upset Him. He Would Freak Out, Scream, Become Mean Until I Cried Hysterically. Then He’d Leave And Come Back  Thirty Minutes Later Hugging Me And Bombarding Me With Love Again. Welcome To The World Of Narcissistic Emotional Abuse. Reminded Of My Father, I Saw It Again In This Man… I Told My Best Friend Who Was Staying With Us “I Think I Came Here To Heal My Father Wound” Not Realising That Repeating Your Childhood Trauma Will Not Fucking Magically Solve It. I Thought This Time I Would Be Stronger Than Thirty Years Ago. This Time I Would React Differently, I Wouldn’t Cry, I Would Help Heal Him Not Knowing, That There’s No Other Reaction To Emotional Narcissistic Abuse. It’s Impossible To Stay Strong, As Much As It’s Impossible To Heal Them, Especially While Being Abused….

The First Time He Got Angry With Me, Was When I Asked Him If It Was Possible We Had Some Days Just For Us (As There Were Always At Least 3-4 But Often More People Visiting His House). He Got So Angry That He Started Screaming And Insulting Me And He Wouldn’t Stop Even When I Was Crying… His Anger And Rage Hurt Me So Much And I Just Wanted To Disappear. I Wanted Him To Stop. But He Wouldn’t. This Was The First Of Many Uncountable Times This Has Happened. When I Criticised Him, He Would Freak Out, He Would Freak Out At Everything That Didn’t Go His Way. Not Finding His Keys, Traffic, An Issue With Something He Was Building. Just In Those Moments The Anger Wasn’t Directed At Me… But When It Was Because Of Something I Had Said - I Received The Strongest Form Of Anger And Hatred You Could Possibly Imagine. I Would Directly Fall Back Into My Childhood Trauma And Cry Hysterically. But I Believe That A Very Many Would Do The Same If They Had To Face This Rage Directed At Them. Even When A Couples Therapist Told Him, That His Rage Is Extremely Painful For Me, Because Of My Trauma, He Didn’t Stop. Sometimes I Thought, He Enjoys Making Me Cry. This Was The First Of Many Times He Lost His Temper With Me And Instead Of Getting Upset Or Angry, He Would Fall Into Rage, Directed At Me. There Were Weeks, He Made Me Cry Every Day And Then Tell Me That I Only Made Myself Cry. That Is Was All My Own Fault. This Was When The Gaslighting Started And Him Calling Me Crazy For Being This Emotional. He Said It To Me Directly And He Said It About Me To Others. This Was Also When I Realised He Is A Pathological Liar. He Had No Shame Lying To Me About Something That Had Just Happened. Blaming Me For Things He Clearly Did. Later On I Realised He Lied To Everyone Around Him, Turned Situations To His Advantage So He Would Look Good. The Worst Thing In The World For Him Was Making A Mistake, Feeling Shame Or “Losing Face” - So He’d Create A Different Reality In His Head And Make Sure That Reality Was Believed And Supported By Everyone Around Him. He Was The Hero, Admired And Loved By Everyone. He Didn’t Make Mistakes. When It Seemed That He Did, It Was Other People’s Faults. This Was The Emotional Abuse That I Would Face For The Next Two Years. The Happy And Positive Person That I Was, Turned Into An Anxious, Scared And Depressed One….

Those Lies Slowly Wore Down My Trust Until It Was Gone. Lies About The Girls He Was Talking To. Girls That Were “Just Friends” And Later I Would See In Their Messages That He Never Even Mentioned Me To Them, Even More Than A Year Into Our Relationship. “Friends” That He Told Just Before We Got Together How Much He Wanted To Fuck Them. And There Were So Many Of Them… By The Time We Got Together He Was Romantically Or Sexually Speaking To About Fifteen Girls. He Didn’t “Break Up” With Them Or Tell Them, He Was In A Relationship. He Didn’t Because He Needed The Attention Of All Of Them. All His Life He Had Gathered (Young) Girls Around Him That Admired Him. And My God, Did Those Girls Admire Him. I Read Their Messages To Him…. They Were Obsessed.

Obsessed With His Attention, Which Was Spare But When He Gave It To Them, They Felt Special. Like They Meant Something To Him. Like They Were The Only Girl He Was Fantasising About. He Would Then Send The Same Dick Pic To All Of Them, Waiting For A Reaction. Waiting To Be Admired. He Would Tell Them The Same Praises Of How He’s Imagining Having Sex With Them. Sometimes Throwing In A Little Emotional Bluff, Like He Misses Them. But Not Too Much, Just Enough That They Wouldn’t Think Something Serious Could Evolve. Despite Me Knowing That These Are Clear Indicators Of A Sex Addict And Narcissistic Personality, I Still Thought That He Would Leave That And Those Girls In The Past. Until I Realised He Couldn’t, Of Course. He Would Secretly Message And Call Them And Delete The Chats. He Would Secretly Watch Porn And Delete All History And Tell Me He Hadn’t Watched Porn In Months Because He Understood It Was Unhealthy. He Would Do So Much In Secret, That At The End I Had 0 Trust Left. I Became Like A Detective Just Trying To Uncover The Next Deceit. And Being Lied To On A Daily Basis Is Mental Abuse, I Can Tell You That. It Is Manipulative, Disrespectful And It Will Turn You Into A Doubtful And Suspicious Person. And Thats What I Had Become. And Then He Blamed Me For Going Through His Stuff… If I Wouldn’t Have Looked At His Computer, Everything Would Be Fine. Again, I Was The One To Blame. Now You Start To See A Pattern, That I Was Always The One To Blame. That I Was The Problem, My Jealousy, My Trust-Issues, My Craziness. Thats What You Call - Gaslighting. It’s A Psychological Method Used By Narcissists To Make The Abused Person Think, They Are Crazy, They Are The Problem. Narcissists Change The Reality Hoping You And Others Will Believe It. They Invent Things And Manipulate The Truth. I Knew What He Was Doing And Obviously It Didn’t Work Because When It Comes To Psychology I Am Pretty Sure Of Myself. I Am Also Able To Admit When I Am In The Wrong… I Even Started Going To Therapy Whilst In The Relationship, To Make Sure The Problem Wasn’t On My Side. It Wasn’t.

Can I Just Add Here, When A Man Calls A Woman Crazy (And We Know, This Happens A Lot, Especially In Rather Sexist Societies) - He Has Most Definitely Driven Her To Be That Way. That’s Why You Say “To Drive S.O. Crazy”. And Again, It’s A Typical Technique Of Narcissists.

Now Speaking Of Crazy… When We Started Our Relationship He Had Just Embarked On A CBD Business Venture With A Spanish Guy, His Business Partner. I Don’t Know What Exactly Happened That Those Two Started Hating Each Other, Trying To Take Advantage And Hurt The Other Party. While Me And My Ex Were In Switzerland, That Guy Went To His Property And Took Half Of The Plants That Were Still There. In Fact, Those Plants Belonged To The Business Partner But The Fact That He Entered My Exes Land And Took Something From Him, Got Him So Angry That He Wanted To Kill Him. And That When I Had To Realise That I Was With A Man Who’s Rage Had No Limits. He Was Thinking, Fantasising Of Ways To Kill This Man. “In The Mountains That’s How We Do It”. He Even Spoke To Assassins In Switzerland, That’s How Serious He Was. I Managed To Convince Him, That Killing A Man Or Having Him Killed Will Only Have Bad Effects On Him. On Us. On Our Future. I Told Him About The Concept Of Karma And It Took Weeks, Maybe Months To Calm Him Down And Help Him Let Go Of The Idea Of Killing. In Complete Shock, I Realised I Was With A Man That Was Not Only Capable Of Murder - That Was Considering It For Something So Unimportant.

But The Worst Thing Happened Last Summer…. And Now We Are Entering A World Of Sexual Abuse And It’ll Become A Little Heavy. If Its Heavy For You To Read, Just Imagine How Heavy It Was For Me To Experience. After All The Lies And Hiding Of Conversations I Started Having This Feeling. The Feeling That There Was More He Was Hiding… And So I Did What Every Suspicious And Untrusting Girlfriend Would Do - I Went Through His Hard Drive. And Thats When I Found Something I Would Never Be Able To Forget Or Forgive. Which Would Be The Major Reason Why I Left Him, Because I Had To Realise That There Was A Real Deviancy Within The Man I Was With. I Found A Porn Collection That He Had Filmed Of His Sexual Encounters. Many Of His Ex Girlfriends In Which I Saw A Side Of Him That He Has Never Expressed To Me, A Slightly Abusive Side Which He Never Expressed With Me Because He Couldn’t. First Of All, I’m A Woman That Likes To Be Loved, Appreciated And Respected During Sex. And Every Moment Of My Life. Nothing Else Would Ever Be Acceptable For Me. I Think All Of You Know That About Me As Well As He Did. Another Reason Is Because I Was Abused And Mistreated By Men. I Have Had A Trauma For Years After Someone Had Tried To Rape Me, And Again, You Know That As Well As My Boyfriend Did. This Is A Piece Of Important Information, You Will Soon Know Why.

Within The Folder Of His Home Cam Selection, Was Another Folder Of Girls He Had Filmed Over A Few Years In Different Countries. When I Saw The First Video, I Realised Very Fast, That The Girl Didn’t Know She Was Being Filmed. He Had Hidden The Camera At The Beginning, Quite Some Time Before The Girl Entered The Room Or They Entered Together. No One Took A Single Look At The Camera… At The End He Would Tell The Girl To Go Shower And When She Did, He Would Quickly Turn The Camera Off. Now When I Saw The First Of These 30-40 Videos, Pure Fear And Anxiety Overcame Me. My Breath Shortened, My Heart Started Racing. I Saw The Second Video - Exactly The Same Scenario. Just A Different Girl, Every Time. The Third One As Well, Just This Time The Girl Kept Putting Her Bag, Then A Drink In Front Of The Camera That He Then Had To Elegantly Put Somewhere Else. It Was Clear By Now That None Of These Girls Knew They Were Being Filmed. I Watched Every Single Video While My Whole Body Was Shaking And Sweating. I Had To Be Sure What I Was Seeing Was Correct. I Didn’t Want To Believe It Even Though It Was So Clear In Front Of Me. I Wanted To See If I Was In Those Videos, Too. Because He Took Those Videos Around The Same Time, When We Had Sex For The First Time. I Couldn’t Find Myself. Instead I Found His Best Friend’s Girlfriend And Baby Mum. She Was In Fact The Only One, That Saw The Camera And Told Him…To Which He Replied To Not Worry, It Wasn’t Turned On. In Her Face You Could See The Shock Of Realising She Had Just Been Filmed Against Her Consent. After Going Through Every Single Video I Had A Complete Panic Attack. I Couldn’t Eat, Couldn’t Sleep. Got Advice From My Mother, My Therapist And Also A Few Of My Friends And Even Two Of His Closest Friends. No One, Not Even His Friends, Had Any Excuse Or Anything Positive Or Helpful To Say.

Now As A Sex Educator I Know A Lot Of About Sexual Abuse And Its Law. I Know That Filming Women (Or Whoever) During A Sexual Act Is Illegal. But It’s Not Just Illegal, Its Abusive. Because You Do Something To A Person, A Naked Person, In A Sexual Situation Without Their Consent. And Now The Worst Part Is, That Exact Same Fact, Was What Got Him Off. The Fact That He Didn’t Have Their Consent, The Fact They Didn’t Know, Was What He Did For Years Until We Got Together. It Is Not That He Didn’t Understand The Concept Of Consent - He Enjoyed Not Having It. Of Course I Confronted Him But His Reaction Only Made Things Worse. He Laughed When I Told Him It Was Illegal. ‘What’s Illegal’, ‘It’s No Problem’. He Thought It Wasn’t A Problem, Because They Didn’t Know Anyway. So If They Didn’t Know, How Could They Get Hurt From It. Narcissists Will Often Pretend They Don’t Understand A Situation Or That Their Behaviour Was Wrong By Or Illegal To Save Themselves. It’s A Known Mind-Game That They Play, Which I Didn’t Know Back Then. I Just Knew He Used This Technique  Often. He Didn’t Realise That The Problem Was Within His Own Mind And Never Will He. He Never Deleted Those Videos, Even Though I Told Him He Could ‘Delete’ His Actions, Stop His Dishonesty To Those Girls And Leave It All In The Past. I Was Ready To Forget It, But He Wasn’t. “One Day We’ll Break Up And Then I Want To Watch Those Videos!” Was His Answer. And What Did I Do? I Didn’t Leave! I Somehow Couldn’t Leave. My Home, My Animals. I Was Addicted To Him. And This Time, I Realised That I Have A Problem, Too. Because This Was Something That Is Completely Against All My Values. This Is Something Absolutely Unacceptable For Me, And Yet, I Couldn’t Break Up. Instead…. It Got Worse.

It Got Worse When I Asked Him While We Were Lying In Bed About Some Secrets. Something He Had Never Told Anybody. I Told Him It Was Important We Can Be Completely Honest With Each Other… I Promised Not To Judge Him. Now, That Was A Promise I Broke, I Can Tell You That.

Because He Told Me That When He Was Younger And Still Living In Switzerland, He Hooked Up With A Girl, Brought Her Home And Then She Passed Out On His Bed. As He Couldn’t Have Sex With Her, He Went Back To The Party They Came From To Tell His Friends About What Happened. That’s When They Had The Idea To Go Back And Rape Her. And Despite This Not Being Funny In Any Dark Humour Kind Of Way, It Wasn’t A Joke Just So You Know. They Completely Planned Every Detail To What They Would Do. Dead Serious. But When It Came To Actually Going, The Friend Chickened Out And Said It Would Be Better If Only One Person Did It. My Ex Didn’t Chicken Out And So He Went Alone, With The Intention To Rape. When He Arrived Home, The Girl Was Conscious Again, So He Changed His Plan. With Her Being Awake He’d Have To Use Violence And Face Possible Charges That He Wasn’t Ready For.

That Was His Answer To My Question  Of What Secrets He Has That He Had Never Told Anyone. Look, I Will Not Even Say Anything To This Now Because This Is So Grotesque, Coming Out Of The Mouth Of Your Own Fucking Boyfriend. I Didn’t Say Anything Then And Until This Very Day I Have Nothing To Say To That. I Can’t, That’s How Speechless I Am, And Forever Will Be.

Now If You Think, This Was Enough Reason To Run? Literally Run For My Life… Let Me Tell You, It Gets Worse. And Exactly That Thing, That You’d Think Wouldn’t Happen, Happened Next.

In September Last Year I Had A Work Meeting With The Roxysdream Team In A Beautiful Airbnb In The Mountains Where I Lived. On The Last Day, Everyone Except My Best Friend Had Left And So I Invited My Ex To Join Us For The Last Day. As Soon As He Arrived We Started Fighting Because In Those Few Days That I Was Gone, I’d Found Out He Was Talking To Some Of His Fuck Friends AGAIN. It Was Just A Never Ending Story… The Fight Got Really Bad With Yelling And Insults Until He Finally Wanted To Leave. I Tried To Stop Him Because I Didn’t Want Us To Separate Like This. One Thing My Mother Has Taught Me About Relationships, Never Leave Each Other With A Fight. Never Go To Sleep With A Fight. And Thats What I Wanted To Do… And To Make Sure He Wouldn’t Leave I Hid His Wallet, To Which He Got Very, Very, Very Angry. You Must Imagine A Monster In Full Rage- As If Someone Had Murdered His Dog. (Even Though When His Mother Actually Did That, I’m Sure He Wasn’t That Aggressive With Her But That’s A Story For Another Day) He Was Ready To Destroy…. I Cried, And Begged And Said Whatever The Fuck I Could To Make Him Slowly Calm Down And He Eventually Decided To Stay. This Scenario Was Common. Him Having Turned Into A Monster And Me Trying To Soften Him. It Must’ve Looked Like In A Mental Hospital From The Outside. After Some Time, As Usual, He Had Calmed Down. We Then Went To Bed And I Thought We’d “Make Up” With Make-Up-Sex. So I Kissed Him, Caressed His Body And Slowly Went Down To His Groin To Give Him A Loving Blowjob. As I Do…As You Have Seen In Many Of My Videos. I Do Everything Sexual With Love And With Care And Thats What I Expect From My Partner Too. But This Time He Decided To Show Me Who The Boss Was. And He Grabbed My Head Violently And Pushed His Dick All The Way Down My Throat. Not For A Second, Not For Two… It Felt Like An Eternity. He Kept My Head Locked In That Position Until I Couldn’t Breath And Felt Like I Was Suffocating. I Tried To Scream, But He Didn’t React. I Hit His Body With My Hands, He Still Didn’t React. Then I Bit His Penis Strongly And Only About 3 Seconds After That, He Let Go. I Immediately Started Crying, My Head Was Filled With Blood, The Veins In My Eyes Had Popped. I Was Shaking And After Some Time I Cried And Screamed “Why Would You Do That To Me?”. And He Replied “You Had To Be Punished!” He Shortly Added To Take The Blame Away From Him “Why You Exaggerating, Other Girls Like It”. He Knew Exactly That I Didn’t And He Knew He Would Deeply Hurt Me With This. He Did It With The Pure Intention To Hurt Me And Nothing Else. I Kicked Him Out And Ran To My Best Friend Who Comforted Me. I Cried All Day And All Night… That Was The First Time A Man Had Actually Sexually Abused Me. And It Was The Man I Trusted And Loved. The Man That Knew Everything About Me…. And He Did It To Punish Me, To Hurt Me Deliberately. He Knew Exactly That This Would Break Me And That Was What He Wanted. Because I Took His Wallet. I Drove Back To Our Home And He Apologised And Told Me He Was Truly Sorry For What He Did. For The First Time I Saw Remorse And That He Realised He Had Done Something Horrific To Me. How Bad This Really Was Is Something He Would Never Understand… And To This Very Day He Doesn’t Know That This Was A Major Turning Point In Our Relationship. And Sadly Also In My Life. Because Never Before, Had A Man I Was In A Relationship Taken Advantage Of His Physical Strength. Worse Even, In A Sexual Situation.

Now If You Think, That Was The Last Time I Saw Him And I Finally Found The Strength To Leave. You Are Wrong. And That’s When I Became One Of Those Women, That Just Can’t Leave A Physically Abusive Partner. Because The Abuse Was Not Only Emotional And Mental At That Point, It Became Physical.

From That Moment On, I Didn’t Trust Him To Not Lie Or Cheat On Me. I Didn’t Trust That He Wouldn’t Harm Me Again. From That Moment On, I Lived In Fear Next To My Own Boyfriend. I Couldn’t Be Intimate With Him For A While And When I Started Opening Up Again, It Was Always Shadowed By Fear. Until The Last Time We Had Sex, I Couldn’t Enjoy It Anymore. I Felt Like I Was Sleeping With My Own Abuser. I Started Faking Orgasms, I Wanted The Sex To Be Over As Fast As Possible. I Did Things I Usually Don’t Do Just To Make Him Cum Fast. So That It Would Be Over. I Was Never Again Able To Let Myself Go And Feel Intimacy. He Had Broken Me -In Every Single Way Imaginable.

It Was Shortly After That We Went To Thailand Together. And You Must Imagine, When You Go Out With Him He Stares At Every Woman Passing. When We Sat In Restaurants He Wouldn’t Look At Me And Have A Conversation, Instead He Would Look Around And Check Out If There Are Any Beautiful Or Just Semi Attractive Girls And They Would Get His Attention. Me - Never. Something He Told Me I Had To Get Used To, Because Thats Just How He Was.

And That, Together With The Chats, The Porn, The Lies… Slowly But Surely Took All My Confidence And All My Self-Esteem. I Realised That I Would Never Be Enough For Him. He Made Me Feel Inappropriate, Ugly At Times And Unworthy. The Last Time I Felt This Bad About Myself Was 10 Years Ago And Guess Who Made Me Feel That Way. The Exact Same Person.

Slowly I Realised That There Was No Other Way But Out And Still, I Tried. I Held On To I Don’t Know What. Some Hope… Some Fantasy. Until…Until It Was Actually Him, That Had Enough Of Me. We Went To The Neighbouring Island To Meet A Friend Of Mine And He Got Very Upset Because He Didn’t Want To Be There. He Didn’t Find Places To Go Fishing And That Made Him More Angry. We Started Fighting And Eventually It Escalated And He Finally Broke Up With Me. He Told Me This Was It, He Had Enough. Enough Of Me Criticising And Not Accepting Who He Was. Well…. I Was Not At A Point Where I Would Try And Fight For Him. I Also Knew, This Was The Right Decision And Yet A Decision I Was Never Able To Make. I Told Him We Will Go Back To Spain Together And Break Up Properly. He Will Not Go Out And Fuck Around And Destroy Me, My Holiday And My Favourite Island And After Some Arguing He Agreed. That Was One Week Before I Found Out, I Was Pregnant.

The First Weeks Of My Pregnancy Were Pure Hell. I Will Always Think Back To Those Days With Agony And Pity For Myself. I Didn’t Feel Loved, Appreciated Or Respected (Because I Wasn’t). I Wasn’t Looked At Nor Touched By My Boyfriend Anymore. Imagine You’re On Holiday With Your Partner And They Don’t Seem To Be Attracted To You Anymore. They Don’t Kiss Or Hug You Anymore. Sex - Forget About It! They Talk To You Like You’re An Acquaintance. Worse Actually, Like You’re A Burden. Like You Are Someone They Are Stuck With…And Sick Of. I Couldn’t Be Happy About My Pregnancy. Not With The Lack Of Love… I Cried Myself To Sleep Every Night. Sometimes I Would Cry Hysterically And The Pain Would Turn Into A Panic Attack. I Couldn’t Breath, My Body Was Shaking, I Wasn’t Crying Anymore, I Was Screaming Of Pain. That Pain Was The Realisation That I Would Raise This Child Alone. I Knew It From The Moment I Saw The Positive Test. I Knew It From The Moment I Found His Videos And He Refused To Delete Them. I Knew If From The Moment He Forced His Dick In My Throat Against My Will. The Last Time I Spoke To My Therapist, He Warned Me. He Told Me He Had A Feeling I Would Fall Pregnant Of My Own Abuser And That Would Be Really Bad Because Then He Would Be Part Of Me And Try To Destroy My Life Forever. I Replied, If I Fall Pregnant, I Will Finally Have A Reason To Leave, And I Will Run As Fast And As Far As I Can To Protect My Child. That Was Our Last Session Because He Told Me After Over A Year Of Therapy, That He Couldn’t Be Silent Anymore. And For The First Time He Advised Me To Break Up With Him. He Said  That The Red Flags Had Turned Into Actual Abuse And I Needed To Get Out Of This Situation. Still…. I Couldn’t Leave, Instead I Left My Therapist. Just 6 Months Later His Premonition Became My Reality….

Ever Since My Ex Broke Up With Me On Koh Samui - Something Had Shifted In Him And It Simply Didn’t Come Back When We Found Out I Was Pregnant. I Didn’t For A Second Think, We Should Try And Make It Work Now That I Am Pregnant. Quite The Opposite. I Observed Harder. I Criticised More. And With Every Action That Seemed Just So Selfish, So Heartless, So Egotistical - I Realised What I Had To Do. I Remembered My Promise To My Therapist And What Utterly Difficult Situation I Would Have To Face. I Knew It Deep In My Gut.

I Knew I Would Have To Travel Back Home With Him. To Where All My Belongings And My Car Was Parked And I Knew That An Extremely Difficult Time Had Begun For Me.  A Time Were I Was Stuck To Him And Him Being As Horrible To Me As He Ever Was. I Knew I Needed To Be Extremely Strong. But I Wasn’t Prepared For What Was About To Happen…For The Neglect, Disrespect And Hatred I Would Have To Face.

We Flew From Thailand To Switzerland To Stay At His Parents House. That’s When The Morning Sickness Kicked In. And It Was Really, Really Bad. Throwing Up In The Morning, Sometimes In The Evening. I Was Dizzy All Day And Tired. Man, I Felt So Shit I Can’t Even Put It Into Words. I Never Knew Pregnancy Was So Hard… But I Am Sure That My Outer And Inner Circumstances Made It All Much Worse. Now In This Moment, I Realised That I Was With Someone That Was Incapable Of Taking Care Of Others. I Was Always The One Taking Care Of Him When He Was Sick, And That’s Something He Loves About Me. I Was Like A Mother, Caring And Pampering For My Sick Baby Boy. And When I Needed That Exact Same Treatment, He Couldn’t. Instead He Told Me I Was Exaggerating, That It Surely Couldn’t Be That Bad. One Time His Mother Told Us That Her Pregnancy Was Really Easy. She Was Feeling Amazing And She Was Working Until The Last Day Before She Gave Birth. Good For Her, Right? Maybe Not The Right Thing To Say But Much Worse Was Her Son’s Reaction, When He Turned To Me And Whispered In My Ear “Because My Mother Is Strong”.

Thats When I Knew, I Was With A Truly Abusive Man That Will Try To Push Me Down Whenever He Can, Even While I Am Pregnant. That He Will Be Mean To Me For The Rest Of My Existence. And That Also, Has Some Really Unhealthy Attachment To His Mother, Who Also Seemed To Be A Rather Mean, Emotionally Abusive, Lying Woman Without Any Empathy. I Looked At Them Both, Sick To My Stomach.. And I Knew, There Was No Way Back. But I Still Had A 25 Hour Long Drive Ahead Of Me. My God, I Was In Hell. It Had Gotten Exponentially Worse From The Moment I Got Pregnant And I Was Just Seconds Away From The Its Absolute Peak.

In The Car I Read About Pregnancy Symptoms… I Wanted To Assure Him That Many Women Felt Sick Like Me And That I Wasn’t Making This Up. Something A Pregnant Woman Shouldn’t Have To Explain To Her Baby Daddy, But I Had To Because He Believed I Was Faking My Symptoms… And There I Found It! And Read Out Loud To Him, Symptoms For Pregnancy With A Baby Girl!! “Morning Sickness, Feeling Tired, Pimples….”. I Looked To The Side To See His Reaction And His Facial Expression Turned Ice Cold, Then Angry. He Had Mentioned Many Times Before That He Really Hoped For A Boy. That He Didn’t Like Girls. He Wanted A Boy Exactly Like Himself, That He Could Go Fishing With, That Would Help Him With His Land And That Would Ride A Motorbike At The Age Of Three. A Mini Version Of Himself. It Seemed The Only Reason He Wanted A Child Was For His Own Profit And To Create Another Version Of Himself (And That Will Be The Only Reason A Narcissist Wants To Procreate)…

Every Person, Every Friend, Every Girlfriend He Has Had , Had A Purpose. A Reason, A Profit For Him. And In That Moment I Understood, So Did His Child…

After Some Moments Of Silence I Asked “… Are You Ok?” But He Was So Angry He Didn’t Reply. He Didn’t Look At Me, He Couldn’t Speak, He Grasped The Steering Wheel Tight And It Looked Like He Was Going To Explode. Or Burst Into Tears, I Wasn’t Sure. I Was In Complete Shock… Even Though At That Point Nothing Should Have Shocked Me Anymore.

I Felt So Sad, So Sad For My Baby Girl If It Would Be One… So Sad That He Hated Girls So Much, He Didn’t Even Want To Have One Of His Own. I Realised He Would Be Narcissistic Father. He Would Treat The Child Like He Treated Me. He Would Get Angry, He Would Scream, Become Mean… To My Baby!!! He Would Try And Mould The Child Into A Mini Version Of Himself And The Thought Of My Child Being Like Him Made Me Even Sicker Than I Already Was. I Messaged My Mum With Tears In My Eyes About What Happened. Her Reply ‘That’s It, I Want You To Leave. You Don’t Have My Support Anymore If You Stay With Him And You Can Tell Him That.’ No Matter Whether She Liked Or Disliked A Boyfriend Of Mine, She Never Told Me What To Do And How To Love. This Was The First Time… And I Knew, I Was Just Moments Away From Breaking Out. Breaking Free….. The Ticking Bomb Inside Of Me And I Was Waiting With Anticipation And Fear For It To Explode.

I Remember Joining Him For A Morning Shower, Seeking The Love And Touch I Had Missed For So Many Weeks. That’s When He Told Me That I Was The First Girlfriend, Of His Many, Many Ex Girlfriends (Never A Long-Term Relationship Of Course) That Just Never Seems To Be Happy. He Was Complaining About Me Always Being Sad And Depressed And That He Deserves A Happy Partner. Let’s Not Forget For A Moment I Was 7 Weeks Pregnant, Unloved, Untouched - Filled With Pregnancy Hormones, Stuck In This Horrible Situation. My Superficial Response Was Telling Him That By Saying Those Things, He Just Makes It Worse. But There Was A Deeper Response Happening Inside Of Me. I Realised In That Moment, He Was Also With Me, To Get Something Out Of Me. He Wanted A Superficial Relationship With A Woman That Is Always Happy So He Can Feel Good. And This Is What He Had Learned From His Parents. His Mother Never Showed Any Negative Feelings (In Fact Never Any Feelings At All), All Day Long She Cleaned And Cooked And Played The Perfect Housewife. She Was Always Happy Like A Puppy Dog. No Deep Conversations, No Arguments. Whatever Her Son Did, It Was Fine. She Was Never Angry With Him, She Never Told Him Off. And That’s What He Was Seeking In His Partner, Too. I Realised - That Is Not What I Could Give Him And That Is Certainly Not What I Wanted. I Don’t Know How We Ended Up Talking About These Topics But A Few Hours Later While Having Breakfast I Was Told, That Because Of Me His Ex Girlfriend Couldn’t Come Visit Him (The One He Chose Back At The Festival If You Remember) And Because Of Me, He Wasn’t Allowed To Sell Drugs Anymore And Because Of Me His Life Had Literally Become A Big, Sad Misery. Well…. That Was The Moment, The Bomb Finally Exploded. And When It Did, It Ripped Apart My Heart And All Of My Being And All Of My Soul Was Torn Into Pieces.

In That Moment Something Switched In Me And I Knew This Was The Moment I Would Leave. Leave And Never Return. I Stood Up, Threw The Breakfast Bowl Away, Walked Inside And Packed My Bags. And I Left…. That Was Seven Weeks Ago.


Only Later, When Processing What Happened And How I Ended Up In This Abusive Relationship, Did I Realise That I Was In A Relationship With Narcissist. One With Psychopathic Tendencies. The Emotional Abuse, The Pathological Lying, The Attention Seeking And Validation Of Young Girls, The Lack Of Emotional Intelligence And Intimacy. I Knew All Those Things Were THE Problem In Our Relationship, And Despite Having Studied Psychology And Knowing So Much About It - I Just Didn’t Make The Connection That Those Character Traits Might Be Linked To A Personality Disorder Of That Degree. Probably Because I Didn’t Want It To Be True… Because The Truth Meant Not Only Was There Little To No Hope For Healing, It Also Meant That My Own Personal Detachment From This Relationship And The Later To Be Gone Through Healing Process Would Probably Take Years. Painful Years.

The Last Thing Anyone Wants Is To Wake Up And Realise You’re In A Relationship With Someone That Is Incapable Of Empathy And Only Cares About Themselves. A Person That Doesn’t Feel Remorse And Feels The Need To Hurt And Push Others Down To Feel Better. Someone That You Will Never Be Able To Trust, Not Even A Single Word Because They Are Pathological Liars. Someone That You Can Never Feel Safe With.

The Next Thoughts In My Mind Were Only Questions….WHY Me? Why Was I Not Able To Leave Earlier? Why Did I Not Follow My Friends, Mothers And Therapists Advice? Why Did I Stay Despite The Red Flags, Despite Feeling Abused, Being Abused, Despite Being Unhappy, Invalidated And Made Insecure. And The Answer Is Something I Knew Myself Before I Even Entered The Relationship. The Trauma I Have From My Own Father. A Narcissist Himself That Emotionally Abused Me, Love-Bombed, Gaslit And Heavily Traumatised Me. It Is Said We Seek Partners That Are Like Our Parents, That We Had A Traumatic Relationship With. And In This Case It Was Absolutely True. The Reason I Couldn’t Leave, Was Because I Wanted To Heal My Father Trauma. The Abuse I Experienced, As Painful As It Was, Was Something Familiar To Me. And We Are Attracted To What Is Familiar. It Took Me Two Years And A Baby Growing Inside Me To Realise, With Time He Was Only Getting Worse And The Problem Was Not Solved Magically.

I Think There Is The Chance However, That The Problem Started Solving, The Trauma Started Healing, By Me Understanding Why I Chose Him, Why I Stayed With Him. Why My Father Was The Way He Was, How He Traumatised Me, How I Am Still Traumatised - And Most Importantly - By Me Finally Leaving That Abusive Situation! Breaking The Trauma Bond, Which Is The Emotional Attachment You Have To An Emotionally Abusive Person (Which Is Often Mistaken For Love), And Breaking Free.

After The Break-Up I Allowed My Father Back In My Life And Despite Him Not Having Changed - I Feel My Relationship To Him Has Changed. I Hate Him Less. I Am Less Angry. I Care Less…. And This Might Be Something I Have To Thank My Last Relationship For. I Have Understood And I Had To Go Through The Same Trauma Once More, To Be Able To Really Understand. What A Break-Through….

Looking Back, It Made So Much Sense To Enter This Relationship. It Made Sense In A Way, That I Grew With It, Learned From It And Eventually It Broke Me In A Way Which Was Necessary For Me To Keep Evolving. And Then It Only Made Sense To End It… It Is Hard To Explain To Someone That Hasn’t Been In My Shoes… Every Relationship That I Entered Had A Life Lesson For Me. Had An Opportunity To Become A Better Version Of Myself. Sometimes These Opportunities Arise From Emotional Break-Downs. In Fact, Most Often One Has To Break Down To Break Through. You Have Last Witnessed Me Breaking Down In London Four Years Ago, The Moment I Quit Coke And Escorting. That Was The Moment I Started Writing And My Business Was Taken To The Next Level.

I Have No Doubt, This Time Is Not Different. When I Had Left The Mountains, I Knew I Was Never Returning. As Painful As It Was And Still Is - I Felt Relieved. I Felt Free From A Heavy Weight I Was Carrying On My Shoulders, That Was Slowing Me Down, That Was Holding Me Back And That Was Slowly But Surely Destroying Me. In This Time Of Healing And Contemplating, I Am Starting To Understand More And More About The Man I Had Chosen. And Why I Had Chosen Him. Simultaneously I Am Starting To Understand More About My Father. About Psychopathy And Narcissism. My Hunger To Dive Deeper Into Psychology Is Awakened. The Thirst To Write, Share And Create Is Back. I Do Not Look At This Experience With Pity For Myself. I Do Not Feel Sorry And Neither Should You. Roxysdream Has Always Been About My Intense And Often Painful Experiences And Then Sharing My Stories With Unrelenting Honesty. I Am In Fact Glad, This Mission Is Still Going, I Am Still Growing, My Lessons, Made Blessings...

And Now, The Healing Process Has Begun.